The Attack

It was desolate. The eerie silence of the once busy high street made it seem dangerous. A warning of what would happen. The wind howled, making the trees dance and cast shadows on the dimly lit pavement. A run down kebab shop stood lonely and empty, ready and waiting for the mad rush of drunken teenagers desperate for something to eat. Its sign swung in the wind, creaking as its lights flickered on and off. An enticing smell wafted from the open door, inviting you in. Maybe that was what led Jamie to that dark, dingy street so late at night. However it wasn’t warmth and comfort he was going to receive.

I was running. My breath coming in short sharp gulps. Struggling to breathe and craving to stop I kept on going. A sense of desperation filled my body with an adrenaline rush. I was getting closer and closer to the alleyway I needed to get to. My brother-in-law was in front. He had always been more athletic than me and had always beaten me on school sports day races. Now he was running because of a pointless comment I had made. The four hooded figures behind me were gaining pace, closing the ever-decreasing gap between us. The adrenaline rush leaked out of me to be replaced with fear and anxiety. Realisation shivered through my body and caused me to abruptly stop. My brother had disappeared, maybe into the alleyway but I would never know. He’d left me alone and scared to face my demons.

I heard the ear-piercing scream and knew instantly it was Jamie’s. I spun around and had to cover my mouth to stifle my own scream. Slowly, I cautiously backed into the alleyway and collapsed on the floor. I had always been more athletic than Jamie. When we were running, I was ahead, so caught up in reaching my destination of safety. I had thought Jamie was a few paces back and was sure we’d both make it out of the situation safe and unharmed. I was so wrong. Another agonising whimper left Jamie’s mouth and interrupted my frantic thoughts. I glanced around the corner, not prepared for what I’d see. Grimacing, I saw the biggest of the figures bring a pool cue down, and swing it across Jamie’s face. I heard the crack as another figure jumped on Jamie, a huge smirk spreading across his face. I smelt the pungent stench of fear that was reeking off of Jamie. A rush of nausea rose from my stomach and I staggered to my feet, trying to steady myself. I turned away from the scene and ran, knowing it was the last time I’d ever see Jamie again.

Every kick, every smack from their weapons, a small cry would escape from my mouth. They loved it. Seeing me cry, watching me beg for my life. None of it would work. I didn’t care anymore. Every muscle in my body was getting weaker, beginning to relax. I didn’t want to live or fight anymore. Every last drop of determination and courage had disappeared. I turned my head to see the kebab shop owners lurking at the shop door. Guilt and horror was glued to their faces. I tried to reach out, tell them it was okay and that I understood their fear. But I wasn’t in control of my body anymore.

Finally the street was silent once more. The kebab shop closed and the lights were switched off. The owners hurried off, yearning for the safety of their own homes. It was desolate again. Not a warning anymore but a sign of grief and remembrance, mourning for the events of that night. The only difference was the young boy; a bruised and broken, innocent teenager. A lonely tear left his eyes and travelled down his cheek before hitting the crimson stained pavement. He didn’t want to live anymore; he’d given up on hoping for a chance of survival. The clouds covered the full moon and blanketed him in darkness. Here, he spent his last few moments, his last thoughts being of his family. He managed a weak smile. No more nightmares or unwanted emotions. No more pain or suffering.

As the final tear dried crisp on his cheek his body went limp. His eyes slowly closed willing him to sleep. He lay there peaceful and at rest, never to wake again.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Hey Jess<3,
My Name's Rose (voicetobeheard) and I'm kinda new here ;)

Ok, so I really liked your story. Very dramatic (which, I think, is great). I just wanted to comment on one thing. First, though, I have to agree with TL G-Wooster on what they said :) But I just wanted to ad

Jess <3 wrote:I tried to reach out, tell them it was okay and that I understood their fear. But I wasn’t in control of my body anymore.
Alright, beautiful sentance, but would a person who is dying really feel that way? Personally, if I were dying, I'd be very upset that those people were just watching me die. Then again, someone might feel differently... Anyway, I really enjoyed it and can't wait to see more!

~~Rose

User avatar
Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:51 am

Hai!

I see that this is your first post, so welcome to YWS! It’s part of the Rules that a member must submit at least two reviews (helpful and considerate) before submitting any of their own work and afterwards, always review more than they post their own stories. I think it’s now at a 4:1 ratio – four reviews for every story submitted? *maths failure*

While this was well written, the switches in narrator made this too confusing. It wasn’t until I’d read it through twice that I understood who was talking when. In the first paragraph you have no narrator, and it seems to be leading up to third person, then in the second paragraph it’s Jamie, in the third it’s suddenly the nameless brother-in-law and then back to Jamie. I’d stick with Jamie’s POV, or if you really want to have the brother-in-law in there, then make the transition between the narrators easier. A line of asterisks, or something? Or have the first part purely the brother-in-law and only the last Jamie’s POV.

Your writing was quite dramatic at times, and mostly this was a good thing – the creaking sign at the beginning was good, like traditional horror in a modern setting ^_^ – but the tear at the end, mingling with the blood on the pavement, was cheesy. And also the fact that the teenagers seemed to revel in it all:

I heard the crack as another figure jumped on Jamie, a huge smirk spreading across his face.


It’s too inyourface. This is up to you, and maybe you have more experience of drunken thugs than I do (:)) but it still seems too unsubtle to be very effective.

Personally, I’d have liked a bit more to this instead of just “running, in pain, dying” description, but I think that’s just me.

PM me if you have any questions!



There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart